Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Two words: blizzard sex
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
