I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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