Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I would ride that face into the sunset
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
