So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
