My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
