dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
