I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
