A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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