don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
