bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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