So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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