I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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