I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
