i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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