I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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