dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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