someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
