Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
