How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
