You're my little dorito
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
