You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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