i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
