all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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