Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
