my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
did i just pee glitter
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