Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
