i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
