why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
