That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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