My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
