sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
