You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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