My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.