I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
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i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
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She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier