It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
