All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
