I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
