so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
