either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
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I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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