Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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