youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
