so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
