"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
