you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
