They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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