I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
