No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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