Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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