I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
