i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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