no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
