Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Holy shit dude........stairs
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
